


paranoid

by sarangx



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Sequel, felix and minho are only mentioned oops, this is for juju ily bb, this took me too long to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 01:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15450873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarangx/pseuds/sarangx
Summary: Never felt so nakedLookin' at you nakedGot your hands down the back of my soulAnd the more that I show you, the more I'm afraidThat you're going to wake upAnd realize that I'm not the one that you thought I wasThat I thought I wasAm I who I am who am I?Maybe it's a case of paranoiaNervous that I'll never really know yaWhat do I feel? Who do I trust?Maybe it’s realOr maybe I'm just...Paranoid—Lauv, “Paranoid”





	paranoid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [uwujinism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwujinism/gifts).
  * Inspired by [paris in the rain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14886404) by [uwujinism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwujinism/pseuds/uwujinism). 



> i definitely recommend checking out juju’s fic “paris in the rain” before reading, as this is a sequel to that! if you really want to, though, you can read this as a standalone but there may be some allusions you don’t understand.
> 
> in any case, enjoy!

Hyunjin was pretty content in the beginning; Seungmin was cute, bright, and his giggles reminded him of tinkling bells. Cupcakes would be shared between them, and sometimes Hyunjin would test out Seungmin’s experiments. They’d have movie nights every Saturday, and they’d dedicate the morning after to cuddling and soft kisses and warm coffee. Life was good and Hyunjin couldn’t be happier.

But life seems to despise his happiness, Hyunjin supposes, because just a few months after they start dating, problems he wishes he’d left behind have resurfaced. Problems that Seungmin—precious, pure, sweet Seungmin—has no knowledge of.

Seungmin lives with his widowed mother who relies on him for love and support. He helps her with the bakery and always tries to spend his free time with her, always so determined to make her happy. With so much on his shoulders already, who is Hyunjin to add onto that weight? Boyfriend or not, he doesn’t want to burden Seungmin anymore than he already has.

So Hyunjin keeps his problems to himself. He wishes only to be a positive person, to be someone that people lean on and trust. It doesn’t matter how much cement fills his heart because as long as those around him are weightless and happy, he is content.

At night, the tears that trickle down his cheeks and stain his duvet go unnoticed; the sobs that pulse from within his ribcage and throat are a loud, uncontrolled staccato. His body trembles and shakes with the force of each inhale, skin flushed with goosebumps and eyelashes heavy with droplets. His throat is sore and it aches from the sheer force of his sobs, but they just keep coming, so he’s left with the feeling of sandpaper rubbing against his trachea as more wails rip from his throat.

All throughout the hours of the moon, darkness plagues his mind and jostles him awake. He’s left no choice but to curl into himself, to play back the nightmares and to overthink everything he’s ever known. It’s unhealthy, he knows, but the voice of reason is but a quiet breeze compared to the stigmatic shouts of everything Hyunjin has done wrong and will continue to do. The yells remind him of memories he’s repressed, and he so desperately wants the voice to stop screaming at him, but the voice sounds oddly similar to his own, so he knows it’s all in his head. The awareness doesn’t stop him from crying and panicking and making himself as small as possible, though.

For weeks, Hyunjin bursts into tears at precisely one in the morning after experiencing a memory he’d rather never remember. The blankets seem to be permanently stained with every drop he’s ever cried, and his bed doesn’t look so comforting anymore.

All of this, he tells no one. He never utters a single word about it even when Felix questions his lethargy nor when Minho sends him concerned glances or when he gives Hyunjin stern reminders. Even when Seungmin gently touches the bags under his eyes and is adorned with the biggest frown he’s ever worn, Hyunjin keeps quiet.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” Seungmin asks worriedly one day, wrinkles appearing in his brow as his lips form into a frown.

Hyunjin almost tells him then; the soft touches of his boyfriend make him weak and he nearly melts every time like buttercream on a warm cupcake. He’s so hopeless when it comes to Seungmin—beautiful, gentle, soft Seungmin.

“Don’t worry about me too much, cupcake,” Hyunjin says instead. He plasters on a reassuring smile to be more convincing. “My muscles have just been a little sore because of dance practice and it keeps me up sometimes.”

Seungmin’s frown deepens, unconvinced, but he doesn’t push it. He slides a cinnamon pastry over instead, still piping hot with a plume of steam rising from the dough. It’s a bear claw, intricately twisted and lightly dusted with brown sugar and a drizzle of icing. It smells heavenly and Hyunjin swears his stomach rumbles just at the sight of it.

“If you promise me you’ll get some sleep tonight, I’ll let you have it for free,” Seungmin bargains, setting his elbows on the countertop between them. He places his chin on his palm and directs his eyes to Hyunjin’s own.

“Wow, you’re not even gonna give it to your boyfriend for free?” The dancer is grinning in hopes to lighten the mood; Seungmin always seems to have a sixth sense for Hyunjin’s lies. It’s best to try and deflect his questions rather than answer them.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin warns, his voice taut and eyes serious.

“Hey, don’t use that voice on me, okay?” Hyunjin says. “You don’t have to worry about me, really. I’m fine, cupcake.”

“Can you stop with the cupcake?” The younger suddenly shouts indignantly, pulling away from the countertop to glare daggers at Hyunjin. His hands are curled into fists by his sides. “I’m trying to have a serious talk with you, and you keep bullshitting! Stop trying to brush me off!”

Hyunjin’s heart hurts. He can feel the blood vessels tightening and the arteries crumbling. It’s like ice has replaced the blood in his veins, like there’s an unbearable cold that’s stuck under his skin. He wants to cry, wants to yell at the top of his lungs, but his throat is closed too tight to let anything but a soft murmur of his boyfriend’s name out.

“What? Now you’ve got nothing to say?” Seungmin scoffs, a deprecating smile lifting his lips in a way that feels so _wrong_. “I can’t believe you. I open up to you so much and you can’t even tell me why you can’t sleep. Ridiculous.”

“Seungmin…” Hyunjin whispers in a hollow voice, his head ducked down toward the floor. He raises his gaze a bit. “I-I’m sorry, but—”

“Get out.” The other’s voice is cold, colder than the ice creeping through Hyunjin’s bloodstream. Its edge is sharper than a knife, cutting through the tension in the air easily. Seungmin’s eyes are hard, but there are tears delicately settling on his lashes. “If you only have excuses to make, then get out of my bakery.”

Hyunjin looks away in shame, biting his lip to stop an arising sob. He deserves this treatment, he tells himself, because he hurt his Seungmin. He hurt his sweet cupcake, made him sad and angry, made him _cry_. Hyunjin doesn’t bother to stay any more than he has to.

He’s already done enough harm to his angel.

 

❖❖❖

 

_Everywhere around him there’s a thick fog. It stretches around him and continues to dip beyond the horizon, coating the sky a dark grey and causing Hyunjin to feel hopelessly lost. He can’t tell if he’s looking up or down, left or right; everything looks the same but there’s an aching familiarity that’s prompting his skin to itch._

_He tries to reach out, tries to take a step forward, but he’s met with a solid force that halts all of his attempts. Once he realizes he can’t move, he fights against the invisible strength pushing on his shoulders to no avail. He flails helplessly as his breath quickens in panic._

_“Jinhee,” a voice suddenly whispers, tendrils of the sound slipping into his ears and effectively stopping his weak attempts at moving. “Jinhee.”_

_Hyunjin feels his pulse roaring loudly in his ears, the thrumming of his heart an avalanche compared to the softness of the anonymous voice. He feels cold, so cold, and it melts under his skin and into the very marrow of his bones. He wants to shiver but he can’t even do that._

_“Jinhee, are you ashamed of us?” The voice talks again, its breath threading intricately into an equally delicate tone. “Is that why you refuse to acknowledge us? Your own birth family?”_

_“N-no,” Hyunjin finally gets out, his vocal cords straining at the effort. “No! Mother, please…”_

_“You’ve forgotten us, Jinhee,” it says, “and you disgrace us just by breathing. Jinhee, our Jinhee, what has happened? You’ve become a disappointment.”_

_Hyunjin tries to speak again, but only an unintelligible croak rumbles in his throat. His trachea burns and his eyes are starting to water; his blood still feels like ice and his heartbeat is thundering in his eardrums, rocking against his skull and causing it to ache._

_The fog has become darker and the temperature has dropped. There’s a strong wind blowing around Hyunjin but he can’t bring himself to focus on his surroundings. It’s so cold and dark and he feels so utterly alone, with only a disembodied voice to keep him company._

_“You did this to yourself, Jinhee,” it murmurs harshly, abruptly turning malicious. “This is what you deserve. Accept your fate, Jinhee, accept the fact you’re a disappointment and will never amount to anything. Not to me, not to your adoptive parents, and definitely not to Seungmin.” The voice is yelling now, a booming sound that causes Hyunjin’s ears to ring. He shrinks back and lets the tears fall from his eyes._

 

Hyunjin startles awake, a gasp ripping from his throat as he jumps up. His body is soaked in a cold sweat, goosebumps rippling across his flesh to show his fear and discomfort. There are tears still falling from his eyes, dripping from his cheeks and forming a small puddle on the ground. He idly notices he’s still in the practice room. 

The lights are still on—they shine tauntingly from the ceiling and pierce his tired eyes. The scuffed floor is uncomfortably hard and it makes him wonder how he’d managed to fall asleep at all. His phone is still blaring music, too, which is probably what had woken him up.

There’s an ache in his chest and when he notices it, the pain seems to strengthen. It’s almost pulsing—a steady beat that causes his skin to prickle and his hands to shake. It’s almost like the pang of hunger, but instead it feels deeper and seems to squeeze his heart, too. He’s so unbearably _lonely_ and _useless_ and _sad_. The tears flow even faster now, and despite his attempts to stifle any pitiful sounds, sobs start ripping from his throat.

He bows his head toward the floor, slowly curling into himself as the ache in his chest takes over his conscious thought. His face is wet and gross, and snot is starting to drip from his nose as well, but he can’t help but to focus on the innate depression that’s gradually swallowing him whole. He cries harder and he feels cold.

The tears don’t stop. Hyunjin’s throat grows sore but the darkness pressing into his ribcage doesn’t wane, either. In the back of his head, he wishes for Seungmin. He wants the boy to hold him and to kiss his tears away but he knows that won’t happen. He fucked up everything and now he’s paying the price for hurting his beloved boyfriend. All of this he knows, but his throat still constricts at the thought of Seungmin comforting him—of taking care of him.

Hyunjin cries and pines until sunrise.

 

❖❖❖

 

It’s been almost two weeks since their fight. The ache in Hyunjin’s chest has subdued, but it’s always there. He still has nightmares. He has breakdowns and panic attacks several times a week. He feels like he’s dying and the worst part is that he wouldn’t mind it.

Minho and Felix have stopped asking him what’s bothering him; they know he’s too stubborn to explain the reason to them. They still cast him worried glances, though, and they have more breaks than usual and Minho takes care to compliment Hyunjin even though they all know he’s done better. Hyunjin doesn’t show it, but he appreciates it.

But finally, everything comes crumbling down when he drags his feet outside the dance studio. It’s late evening and his friends had left a while ago. Hyunjin has his hands in his pockets and his eyes closed; he tries to ignore the puffiness of his face.

“Hyunjin?”

It’s quiet and it catches onto the breeze, but it’s there. It’s Seungmin.

Hyunjin languidly opens his eyes. He stares blankly back at his boyfriend who he hasn’t talked to at all in twelve days. He blinks at the boy who had given him countless free cupcakes. He bites his lip as he continues facing the boy who knows him inside and out—almost, but not quite.

He promptly bursts into tears. He wonders how his body has stored so much water.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” Seungmin says in a panic, rushing towards Hyunjin to brush away the tears. “I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. Please- please stop crying.”

“S-Seungmin,” not cupcake, “Seungmin I- I’m awful. I’m s-so sorry,” Hyunjin sobs, his voice breaking after each brittle word. He leans into Seungmin’s hands. “I’m s-so bad. I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry.” He whispers apologies, each one always so sincere.

“What? No, hey, listen to me,” Seungmin tells him gently. The other obeys quietly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was just worried about you and I wasn’t thinking. Hyunjin, please, it’s okay. Talk to me, baby.”

“Seungminnie,” Hyunjin murmurs brokenly, only slow tears leaving his eyes. He curls himself into his boyfriend’s side. “Seungminnie, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about- about my...sleeping problems.”

“Sleeping problems?” Seungmin inquires as his hand wraps around Hyunjin’s own. He runs his thumb over the dancer’s knuckles.

“I have nightmares,” Hyunjin whispers almost inaudibly, his eyes glazing over as he thinks back. “They’re memories, Seungmin. Th-they’re not good memories…”

“Baby, it’s okay,” the younger says gently. He guides Hyunjin to a table in the empty bakery—when did they get there?—but never leaves his side.

“Seungmin, my parents were bad people,” he murmurs, looking down. “They did bad things and- and they’d y-yell at me…” he’s starting to cry again, their voices echoing in his head despite his attempts at tuning them out.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin breathes in shock, his eyes wide. His free hand comes up to Hyunjin’s head to soothingly run through his hair. “Hyunjin, I’m sorry you had to go through that. That’s awful.”

“And- and after I was put into the orphanage, the other kids would t-tease me and they’d mock me b-because of my- my parents.” Hyunjin sniffles, half-sobbing as he relays his story for the very first time. But he trusts Seungmin. He really, really does. “I was adopted w-when I turned six, though, and my adoptive family is nice, but I- it’s been hard to for- forget every- everything.”

Seungmin is looking at him sympathetically, both of his hands clasping Hyunjin’s taut fists. His hair is unkempt and his lips are cracked and there’s a dash of flour on his nose, but Hyunjin only finds it endearing.

He’s so tired—borderline delusional, he supposes, as the world is blurring and he can’t decipher if it’s just the tears in his eyes. He tilts his head forward to lay atop their gripped hands, inhaling deeply through his nose. He’s not sure if his sudden sleepiness is because of Seungmin’s calming presence or if it was just long overdue. He doesn’t care to find out, though, as his eyes are closing of their own accord and Seungmin’s hands are comfortably warm against his own.

“Hyunjin, how long have you been having these nightmares?” Seungmin’s voice gently forces him away from unconsciousness.

“I dunno…” he murmurs as he sits up, tone thick and confused. “What’s today—Tuesday? I think, like, four weeks now.”

“You haven’t slept well in _four weeks_?” Seungmin shrieks, eyes blown wide in surprise. His hands break away from Hyunjin’s grasp to hold the boy’s cheeks instead. “Jeez, baby, you must be exhausted! How are you still on your feet?”

“I’m very tired, cupcake,” Hyunjin agrees, voice low and weighed down with visible fatigue. He leans into Seungmin’s hands placably, eyelashes fluttering as he struggles to keep himself awake.

Seungmin’s eyes soften at the sight, his fingertips lightly brushing against Hyunjin’s skin. He takes one of his hands to carefully move the dancer to his lap despite the age and height difference. Hyunjin mumbles unintelligibly at the change of position but doesn’t say anything more, too drowsy to think rationally.

“Sleep, babe,” Seungmin says quietly, vastly different to his previous shouting. His thumbs brush away the bangs hanging in Hyunjin’s face. He gently kisses the older’s nose. “You need it.”

Hyunjin’s already teetering on unconsciousness, but he still manages to catch the murmurs of his boyfriend. He easily complies after he lets his head fall into Seungmin’s neck.

He eases into sleep without a hitch; his dreams are only filled with banana muffins and honey-glazed cupcakes.

  


Soft humming rouses him awake.

There’s sunlight shining through his eyelids, too, causing him to squint and pout. He groans as he twists away from the light, curling his body towards the sweet melody. There’s a solid warmth accompanying it, to which Hyunjin accepts with a content sigh. He snuggles into it, a soft form caressing his skin and supporting his weight.

“Hey, baby,” Seungmin greets softly, his voice deep with sleep but still tinged with fondness. Hyunjin can feel it rumble beneath his head.

“Hey, cupcake,” he mutters in return, the bass of his voice overpowering his usual tone. He feels Seungmin chuckle more than he actually hears it.

“Did you sleep well?” Seungmin’s hand gently swoops through Hyunjin’s hair, each stroke slow and lax. “No nightmares?”

“None,” Hyunjin hums happily, pressing his nose into Seungmin’s collarbones to get impossibly closer. “I have my cupcake to protect me.”

“That’s right. Which is why you should’ve told me earlier.” Seungmin shifts, therefore disrupting Hyunjin’s comfortable position. The younger of the two holds the other’s face in both of his palms, their eyes forced to meet each other. “Keeping this to yourself was dumb.”

A blush colors Hyunjin’s cheeks. “I- I know, I just- I dunno,” he mumbles, fingers wrapping around Seungmin’s hoodie strings. He fumbles a bit. “I thought you’d, like, think less of me or something…”

“Hwang Hyunjin,” Seungmin says sternly, his lips pursed and eyes narrowed. “I could _never_ think less of you, okay? Especially not because of nightmares. I absolutely adore you and nothing will change that.”

“Nothing?” Hyunjin asks, his eyes wide. His cheeks are a bright pink now, and his top lip is wobbling from trying not to burst into tears again. “D-do you really mean that?”

“Hyunjinnie, baby,” Seungmin murmurs, his eyes so soft as he looks at his boyfriend. “I mean every word I’ve said to you.”

The tears fall then, and Hyunjin’s not quite sure why, but they do. They’re hot against his flushed cheeks and his face is still tucked gently in Seungmin’s hands. His eyelashes flutter with the weight of teardrops before they drop in succession and roll down his face as a choked whimper breaks from his throat. He shuts his eyes tight as his own hands come up to grip onto Seungmin’s own.

“I love you, cupcake, I love you so much,” he chokes out, fingers curling around the other’s hands. “Seungmin, you mean so much to me, you know? To hear you say- say that is just—”

He’s cut off by lips on his own. They’re warm and taste a bit like bread and sugar. He knows it’s Seungmin, so he kisses back, languid and deep and meaningful as he tries to show all of what he can’t express.

When they pull away, they’re out of breath but still look at one another like they lit up the sky with stars, like they hung the moon and the sun for each of them.

“I love you, too,” Seungmin says after another moment, “so don’t be so paranoid.”

Hyunjin finds that perhaps his cupcake is right.


End file.
